Kevin Smith

You know, I was young once. The world was so full of promise. I had never gotten into a fight with a girlfriend, worried about money, or received any major injuries. And you know what one of the best parts was? Kevin Smith movies were so fucking good. Since then I’ve had year and a half long fights with girls, constantly been out of money, and had fifteen stitches in my face. And you know what the worst part is? Kevin Smith movies are the most unbelievable garbage this
side of Paul W.S. Anderson. What happened?

 

I’ven’t (two abbreviations in a row! Triple bonus points! Awesome!) devoted much thought to Kevin Smith the last few years, but my head turned when he announced his new “back to his roots” sequel to Clerks. He made all kind of claims about it being a low budget old school return to form. Including this (taken directly from his website 2/12/05):

 

“This isn’t gonna be a star-studded affair. The biggest names in the cast are gonna be Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, and Jason Mewes.”

 

And then this comes (9/20/05):

 

“Rosario Dawson will star in the twin bill “Killshot” and “Passion of the Clerks” for the Weinstein Co.”

 

That’s right. Men in Black 2, Alexander, Josie and the Pussycats Rosario Dawson. I’m not saying she’s a bad actress, she’s great (KIDS, 25th Hour). But she is, alas, a big big star. Smith lets the ball drop as early as the casting stage. I really wanted to give him one more chance, but man…

He’s also making all kinds of asshole claims about it being the “funniest thing he’s ever written” and “really poignant”. I remember him saying all that stuff about Jersey Girl before it came out too.

Imagine being the guy who played Dante in Clerks 1 and getting that phone call:
“So… guy who played Dante… how would you feel about… Clerks 2?”
“Didn’t you say you were never going to make another Jay and Silent Bob movie again? Is this because of Jersey Girl? Are you an asshole?”
“I will answer your questions in order: Yes. No, I even said it wasn’t on my website. So that’s definately true. Why would I go out of my way to say something that wasn’t true? And yes.”
“No, I won’t tarnish that wonderful movie for everyone who enjoyed it!”
“I am prepared to offer you a million billion dollars.”
“Deal.”

And every bit about Clerks 2 on the website is self deprecating to the point of embarrassment. We all know people who do this. You can only make the same joke so many times before it’s just… not a joke anymore. “Train Wreck!” in big letters all over the website.

 

And I skimmed the forums quick to see if anyone had actually pointed this out, and it was nothing but pages and pages of “she’s a great actress!” and “she’s so hot in Sin City!”

 

Wow. I could actually go on, but I’m ashamed of myself for caring so much, and am going to stop it here.

 

“Heh heh. You fucked up! Now I’m going to go write about it in my internet blog!”



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