Snakes of Avalon

Video game, 2010

Read my review of Snakes of Avalon for WingDamage.com here


goddamnfuckshit

colin’s thesis= no posts for a while.
instead, go to Toothpaste For Dinner.com and laugh your ass off


B Movies

The almighty Bruce Campbell has a theory that I used to find merely cute, but the more I look around the more I realize that it’s actually true. I’m not going to look up what interview it was in, but it was fairly recent. He said something along the lines of “A-Movies have become B-Movies”.
At first I thought that this was merely a heartwarming thought for the king of the B Movie, but then I read a very strange piece of news today… the movie Stealth that came out last summer (my friends and I referred to it as “Crazy Plane”) cost 135 million dollars to make.

Are you fucking serious? For anyone who doesn’t know: Stealth is about a plane with very advanced AI that goes nuts and starts killing people. It starred Academy Award winning actor Jamie Foxx (following closely in the footsteps of the incorrigible Halle Berry). Does a movie plot get any more B then that? And look at these movies… Herbie: Fully Loaded… War of the Worlds… Zathura?

IMDB trivia for Stealth: “500 gallons of gasoline were used for the explosion in the Alaska airfield sequence. NASA had to be notified of it in advance because it was so big.”


Adventure games (Day of the Tentacle)

Space Quest IV: Roger Wilco and the Time Rippers

I never really thought it would happen, but I actually play a lot of video games these days. And as far as I know, I am the only person who plays video games for the artistic merit, and not the technological. The video game industry seems to be in this creative rut where people only play the newest prettiest games, and anything that came out more than year ago pretty much doesn’t exist. Honestly, apply this way of thinking to any other art form (movies, books, music). It’s absolutely ludicrous. The video game industry is even more disgusting than Hollywood.

Sam and Max Hit the Road

What games do I play? Well, the only stuff that I’ve ever really liked isSpace Quest, stuff by Doug TenNapel (Earthworm Jim, Neverhood), and early LucasArts stuff (mostly by Tim Schafer). What do all of these things have in common? They are all adventure games, a long dead genre of video game. This seemed to be the only place in the industry where anyone was interested in telling a story, or really being artistic in any way.

Halo is not very artistic, it is functional. The level design doesn’t have any theme or idea behind it, as demonstrated by things like doorways that are three stories off the ground that lead to nowhere. And plain boring walls. And nondescript machines in the middle of a hallway that just happen to make excellent cover. These games have no personality or ideas behind them, but can be fun to play. Find one boring, non-beautiful, uncreative inch in the game Psycohnauts. You’ll be there for a while.

 

I won my first eBay auction the other day and won Day of the Tentacle, an early game by Tim Schafer. Exactly as expected, this was a great game. It was really funny, really well designed (both in that the backgrounds were great, and I enjoyed solving all of the puzzles), and I cared about what was going on. The game is a sequel to ManiacMansion, a pretty good game that pretty much started the adventure game genre. Day of the Tentacle took what little story and characterization was in Maniac Mansion and went wild with it. Basically Dr. Fred’ pet tentacle drinks some toxic waste and grows arms, enabling him to hatch a scheme that will allow him to take over the world. You play as three different characters: Bernard the geek, Hoagie the metal roadie, and Laverne the tweaked out med student. Dr. Fred sends you back in time to yesterday to stop the tentacle from drinking the sludge. But of course, there is a mix-up. Bernard stays in the present, Hoagie goes two hundred years in the past (and meets over the top versions of Alexander Hamilton and Ben Franklin), and Laverne goes to a tentacle dominated dystopian future. You have to work all three characters in conjunction in order to solve the many many puzzles in the game.

 

The art is pretty good, but it’s just wacky and cartoony. Pretty standard animated sprites, and fun house mirror type backgrounds. Not bad by any means, but it doesn’t really make a comment on anything either, other than the humorous nature of the world the game is set in. The writing and characterization is the real highlight of this game. All the characters are distinct and specific, and their personalities of the source of most of the humor in the game. The thought of actual characters in a game is a pretty foreign concept to most games.

I’ve seen Day of the Tentacle is regarded by at least a few people as the best adventure game of all time, but it’s not. It is very high up on the list, but it is not very heavy in concept. It is however really fun to play, and very funny.

Pretty much, this industry is going to have to start making games that are actually good (like this one) if they don’t want to get caught in the rut that comic books and animation did and be considered a “lesser” form of expression forever. But I’m pretty sure that the video game companies are making too much money to consider changing their strategies, so I don’t really see this happening. Never has the formative years of a new form of expression been so dismal.
OVERALL
Writing: 8 Graphics: 8 Gameplay: 9 Number of puzzles I had to use the walkthrough for (stupid fucking cat): 3 Overall: 8

Double Fine (Tim Schafer’s video game production company)
Telltale Games (Ex-Lucasarts employees)


Kevin Smith

You know, I was young once. The world was so full of promise. I had never gotten into a fight with a girlfriend, worried about money, or received any major injuries. And you know what one of the best parts was? Kevin Smith movies were so fucking good. Since then I’ve had year and a half long fights with girls, constantly been out of money, and had fifteen stitches in my face. And you know what the worst part is? Kevin Smith movies are the most unbelievable garbage this
side of Paul W.S. Anderson. What happened?

 

I’ven’t (two abbreviations in a row! Triple bonus points! Awesome!) devoted much thought to Kevin Smith the last few years, but my head turned when he announced his new “back to his roots” sequel to Clerks. He made all kind of claims about it being a low budget old school return to form. Including this (taken directly from his website 2/12/05):

 

“This isn’t gonna be a star-studded affair. The biggest names in the cast are gonna be Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, and Jason Mewes.”

 

And then this comes (9/20/05):

 

“Rosario Dawson will star in the twin bill “Killshot” and “Passion of the Clerks” for the Weinstein Co.”

 

That’s right. Men in Black 2, Alexander, Josie and the Pussycats Rosario Dawson. I’m not saying she’s a bad actress, she’s great (KIDS, 25th Hour). But she is, alas, a big big star. Smith lets the ball drop as early as the casting stage. I really wanted to give him one more chance, but man…

He’s also making all kinds of asshole claims about it being the “funniest thing he’s ever written” and “really poignant”. I remember him saying all that stuff about Jersey Girl before it came out too.

Imagine being the guy who played Dante in Clerks 1 and getting that phone call:
“So… guy who played Dante… how would you feel about… Clerks 2?”
“Didn’t you say you were never going to make another Jay and Silent Bob movie again? Is this because of Jersey Girl? Are you an asshole?”
“I will answer your questions in order: Yes. No, I even said it wasn’t on my website. So that’s definately true. Why would I go out of my way to say something that wasn’t true? And yes.”
“No, I won’t tarnish that wonderful movie for everyone who enjoyed it!”
“I am prepared to offer you a million billion dollars.”
“Deal.”

And every bit about Clerks 2 on the website is self deprecating to the point of embarrassment. We all know people who do this. You can only make the same joke so many times before it’s just… not a joke anymore. “Train Wreck!” in big letters all over the website.

 

And I skimmed the forums quick to see if anyone had actually pointed this out, and it was nothing but pages and pages of “she’s a great actress!” and “she’s so hot in Sin City!”

 

Wow. I could actually go on, but I’m ashamed of myself for caring so much, and am going to stop it here.

 

“Heh heh. You fucked up! Now I’m going to go write about it in my internet blog!”


Mofos

All right, time for a music review:

 

I was fortunate enough to see Mofos at the last Altercation party at Snapper Magee’s in Kingston. Have you ever gone to see a band and been completely unable to pick you jaw up off the floor the entire time they performed? That’s what happened when Mofos took the stage. With just a guitar and a drum set (and no vocals) they rocked harder than any other band that night. Of course, a big part of that (for me at least) was the “open bar” status at Snapper’s. Something about really good surf rock goes well with being drunk, like coffee and cigarettes (or pie, if you prefer). They just played forty minutes of crunchy, skilled, fast surf rock. And out of one of the loudest amps I’ve ever heard in my life.

So I got home and soon after ordered their album, Supercharged on Alcohol. I was surprised to find out that they actually have a bassist who was absent the night I saw them, and that their album completely lives up to their live show. If you like Link Wray, later Dick Dale, or Man or… ASTROman?, then this album demands a place on your shelf. If you don’t know about these things, then go over to their website and give some of their free downloads a try.

Every review I’ve read of their stuff mentions Motorhead as an influence but I don’t really hear it. It’s just straightforward, take no prisoners, perfectly played surf. With a little extra kick-ass.

Music: 8
Cover art: 6
Minutes of the show I can actually remember: 6

Mofos
(once tracks are downloaded, play as loud as possible for maximum effect)
Altercation Magazine